24 Hilarious Kid Quotes

Young boy covering his face

Some parents on Reddit were asked ‘what are some of the funniest things you’ve heard your kids say?’

What unfolded was over eight thousand amazing comments, most of which were just hilarious.  Here’s 24 of the best, just to make you laugh.  If you want to see them all click here.


My wife was giving our 5 yr old son a bath and he was playing with his junk the entire time. Finally she tells him its not nice to do that and he responds with, “Well, nobodies doing it for me”


My little sister was at the doctor’s office for her annual check up, she had to be somewhere around 3. The nurse was asking all the standard coordination type questions–touch your nose, put your hands up, jump, etc. Being a healthy capable little devil, she’s doing everything fine. Then, the nurse says, “stand on one foot.” My little sister looks at the nurse, looks down, and hesitates. Then she walks over and stands on one of the nurse’s feet.


 My 7 year old younger sister walking through the Dollar Store with me: “Can we leave? It smells like jizz in here.”  I have no idea.



I gave my son a timeout from swords, light sabers, guns and (Thor) hammers due to him being too violent/aggressive. After about 10 minutes of quiet, I went to check on him and found him building w/ his Legos. After I told him that I was proud of him for listening, I asked him what he was building. He told me he was building an ultimate Lego weapon so that he could destroy me. I think he may have missed the point, but at least he’s persistent.


While driving on the interstate with my 2.5 year old in the back seat: “Any idiots out today, dad?”  Edit: Forgot this; my wife was in the elevator with my son at work once, and a Sikh with a thick beard got on. My son pointed at him and said “wolfman.”


Son and I are playing catch. I have a terrible throw that sails over his head. I say, “Sorry, that was a bad throw.” He stops, gives me a kind look and says, “No daddy, that was a wonderful throw.” Then takes 2 steps towards getting the ball. He stops again, turns back around and says, “When we say something nice, even when we don’t mean it at all, that’s called being polite, right?”



My four year old son was in the bathroom with the door closed.I knocked and said, “What’s going on in there?” His reply, “Nothing, it’s just me and my penis”



I was putting my son to bed when he was about 5, and after the bedtime story, right when I was tucking him in and turning out the light, he said “Nipples. I love ’em. What about you?” with this totally serious expression. It took major effort to remain composed and try to make it look like I was taking his question seriously.



Overheard in a first grade classroom: “Well when my Mom and Dad practice wrestling I get to eat a whole bowl of ice cream and watch whatever movie I want!!!”


While waiting for heavy traffic to clear, I hear from the back seat, my three year old: “Fuckin cars. What are all these fuckin cars doing here?


My 5-year-old son had just finished his swimming lesson and approached my wife, who was talking to one of the other moms. “Why are you talking to her? I thought you said she’s a jerk!” Wife mortified, with no idea why he said that. She hadn’t criticized any of the other moms in any way.


Sound of loud farting, Me (to child): Smallchild, do you need to poo? Child: Nope, it’s having a sleep. I heard it snoring.


My friend is not terribly religious, but her mother is. One time, her mom was visiting and so on Sunday she and her two young boys went to church with Grandma. Half way through the service the three-year-old says to his mother (loud enough for Grandma and everyone else nearby to hear): “Who’s the dead guy on the stick?”


My daughter uses an excuse she picked up from a recent Burger King commercial…Me: Daughter, pick up your toys! Daughter: But, I have these tiny hands…. (as she holds her hands up disappointedly just like in the commercial…) I laughed until I couldn’t breathe. She was 4. Now she is 6 and she thinks that line is comedy gold and uses it regularly.


When I was 4, I sat in a box in the kitchen and picked up a biscuit tin lid, and proceeded to pretend to drive. I looked at my mother and proclaimed “Look Mummy, I’m you!”, then screamed “BEEP BEEP! FUCKING WANKER!”


When my younger sister was around 2 or 3, she was sitting on my grandfather’s lap and he was reciting a bunch of childhood sing-song rhymes to her (Humpty Dumpty, Itsy-Bitsy Spider, etc.). At one point, my grandfather says “what are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of!”

Sister: “No they aren’t!”

Grandfather: “They aren’t? What are little girls made of, then?”

Sister: “They’re made of bones and blood.”


I went to a bathroom at a restaurant and I heard a kid say “Marry me oh precious toilet!”


My wife and 5 year old were in the car, when another car cut them off. My wife hit the brakes, but didn’t say anything. My son said, “mom you forgot to call him a jackass”.


Apparently, as a child I yelled “HELLOOO BIG FAT MOMMA!” to an obese woman at a Kmart. My mother was mortified.


My dad who looks after my son told me that he (my dad) went into the playroom and said “Well, son_of_monk.e.boy, it’s very messy in here.” And my boy said “Well, grandad, we’d better clear these fucking toys up.”My boy is 3 and a half. I fail at being a parent.


When my nephew was in kindergarten, six or seven years old, he pulled his pants pockets inside out and told the teacher to “kiss the rabbit between the ears”. I swear I have no idea where he learned this.


My daughter has dropped the f-bomb before. The one time her dad was coming out of the bathroom after a shower and he said “what the”, she says “fuck, daddy. You forgot the fuck”


After caulking the bath tub my 4 year old god daughter, who was watching, shouted ‘I love cock’


When our oldest daughter was 2 years old my wife was telling her to pick up the toys in her bedroom. She reluctantly did, but as she walked by she mumbled “fucking asshole”. It sounded exactly as I did when I would swear at drivers who cut me off. It was all I could do not to laugh at loud.


Has your child had you in stitches with a funny comment?  Keep the laughs going and tell us about it. 🙂